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I have to give up on this idea. This is very painful for me. It may be even more painful for me because I am very stubborn sometimes. I keep feeling I am so far behind everyone else in a lot of things. Keep wondering what things would have been like if things had been different with my family. If I was able to open up to people sooner. I hate feeling like I've dug myself into a hole which I can't get out of. I want to try to use all this for the positive and fight back and make me even more focus and determined. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm wasting myself. I can't keep feeling guilty or have all this panic over very simple things, or feel angry towards my parents for various reasons. Its not healthy.
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This will show up as my only post which is somewhat deceiving since I actually have a lot on here, but for the time being I made them all invisible. I'll just write some fresh stuff.
I'm trying to finish up graduate school. Somewhere along the line I completely stopped caring. I mean maximum apathy. Apathy subscript Max for physics geeks. I'm disappointed in myself because I wanted to be finished earlier. I started the master's degree in January '06 and wanted to be done in May '07. Its supposed to be done in 2 years, but I had a girlfriend who did undergrad in half the time it took, so I figured why not, I can kind of rush through it. The truth is the planning worked. I took necessary courses in the summer and did an independent study, and set up everything so I could graduate in May. The problem was I was very unhappy and couldn't focus on anything let alone doing my master's thesis that semester which would have finished everything. So I've had this master's thesis which is all thats keeping me from being done. I have a lot of it written also, including tables. Its just that I'm not sure how to really change it around to the specification of my advisor at the moment. I keep getting anxiety about oh, what if its all garbage, etc. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. If this were undergrad I would have been done so long ago its not even funny. I chose a topic I didn't know much about, thinking that would be good to challenge myself. Instead I've just sort of been frustrated and wanting to be done.
I made all the other entries invisible so I can sort of start fresh with my writing. So you won't just know me through very long writings on international affairs, or things in the world of math which excite me, etc. I had a lot of very long entries on that. Maybe I'll put some back. But now I will start fresh, and write more personal things. I'm starting with the assumption that whoever is reading this knows or cares enough about me to know about this site since I don't link to it on facebook. And I want to communicate with whoever is reading this.
I fell into a very bad trap with depression and anxiety. Even though I had no reason to, I was constantly doubting myself, feeling inadequate in anything, feeling like I couldn't do even simple things which nobody else thinks twice about, feeling very very stuck. I started ripping myself apart. I felt very angry and that nothing, not things which other people would ordinarily enjoy, would cheer me up. Doing well in school. Having different options open. Nothing. None of it mattered. I'm not just trying to be emo. I will explain.
My dad has been sick since I was in elementary school. Around 3rd or 4th grade. I don't remember the last time he walked, and his condition bothers me a real lot. There are many dimensions to this which bother me in slightly different ways. I can't get into all of that now. I will just get into a little. Seeing my dad's condition like that for so long I got kind of numb and very used to not really having my own life per say. What I mean by that is my friendships with other people were always based around them. I ended up knowing everything about that, with them knowing practically nothing about me. I hid myself, and didn't allow myself room to really develop and have my own life. I just considered myself a part of other people's life. This applies even to people who would have called me very close friends.
This is obviously skipping around and is not a full biography. After finishing undergrad I came back home. Realizing the condition of my dad and how much it takes out of my mom who takes care of him - which is a lot each day, I got very upset. Thats an understatement. It made me so upset that it made it hard for me to focus on other things or be happy with anything really. That may be hard for someone who hasn't experienced to really understand. Pretend you saw someone struggling every day with things you take for granted. Pretend they haven't been able to walk in over a decade.
Its not one thing. Its like a constant disappointment I experienced which added up. I started to realize all these different ways it impacted me over such a long time. It made me think that its impossible for me to "catch up" to other people. That people are doing different things, and have built on things they already knew while I am at square 1 with no way to progress or move forward. I started feeling like I didn't get to really develop my own identity or do things. And I started feeling very upset that I had completely "fallen behind" everyone else. And what was worse, I realized that nobody was seeing this in me. And I felt like I was screaming inside and mute on the outside.
In this entry, I will not talk about the end of my relationship. Needless to say, she was really the only person I had over to my house, or was able to show that side of a little. Even though I was still self-conscious about it.
I don't want sympathy or anything. I just want people to realize where I'm coming from and that I need to and want to have a life also. I can't keep feeling so pulled back over this. I just need to get stuff in gear.
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